At the Movies: Bond, Jane Bond

 

Summer action blockbusters are as popular in my world as in yours. The most obvious differences, of course, are that in my world, the vast majority of protagonists in this genre of film are women, from films featuring tough cops to suave international spies, taciturn cowgirls to fast-talking heist planners, almost every single heroine or villain in these movies are female. In such movies, men play very minor roles as objects of sexual interest, or perhaps ones to be put in peril and distress – a family member kidnapped against his will, as an example – and thus providing the motivation for our movie heroines. Only recently have male characters been written to have a larger role in such films, but again only in such 'soft' roles such as conspiring to seduce and sleep with with an enemy character to steal an important secret. Invariably, these male characters will often be put in peril in the course of the movie in order for him to be rescued, or even killed to provide a motivation for vengeance.

All of this is natural in my world. A full-grown man can barely lift a small handgun, much less fire one without being severely injured, and even a man well-trained in martial arts – and some men are permitted to pursue such sport – can barely hold his own against a young girl, even untrained, much less a full-grown woman. Such are the differences in physical strength and coordination between the sexes. A male action hero would be a risible thing here, indeed.

As is also natural in my world, women may and often do take many lovers, and our larger-than-life heroines on the silver screen take much more than most.  Scenes of our protagonists bedding a string of willing (or heretofore unknowing that they are willing) boys in between car chases and explosions are par for the course.

None more so than Bond, Jane Bond, of course. One of the longest running series of spy action films in my world, featuring the suave titular character, who is just as vicious and cold with her male sexual conquests as she is in dispatching her female villainous counterparts and their various henchwomen. Even in most other action films, the heroines do display some heart, perhaps finally falling for one of her many male mates at films' end, a little throwaway to those male romantics in the audience, perhaps. But not our Jane, oh no, just as likely to leave a recent former lover to his untimely fate without a second thought as she is to provide him with a passionate farewell kiss.

A combination, no doubt, that secretly thrills even the most forward-thinking of men in my world, and renders her absolutely irresistible to all men, fictional or otherwise.

At the Movies: Superheroes and Such

Superhero movies are all in vogue in my world. Films featuring our favorite super-powered heroes from our adolescence do brisk trade at the box office, and it's a sure bet that every summer, there will at least be several blockbusters bearing the well-known names from the comic books of our childhood.

Needless to say, the superheroes of my world are quite different from those in yours.  For one thing, from Superwoman to Spider Woman, from the Watchwomen to the X-Women, all the heroic characters in the big-name comic books are female.  The vast majority of male characters are nothing but dudes in distress who also double as temporary sexual conquests that commonly last no longer than a few panels, or an issue at the most.  Any longer-lasting male characters usually play the role of a long-suffering yet intensely devoted lover, or secretary, or domestic servant.  The only distinguishing feature these men possess over those of the long litany of nameless playthings, is that they are privy to the secret identities of our masked crusaders.  If there are any story arcs about them in the glossy prestige titles, it's more than likely to involve being kidnapped and (more often than you think) being violated in some way before being rescued.

At the Movies: The Kiss and Other Romances

Like in your world, people in my world enjoy watching movies as well, whether they be big-budget action films, tense crime and spy thrillers, science fiction extravaganzas, or sweeping historical epics. The most noticeable difference between these genres of movies in my world and in yours, of course, is that the main protagonists here are always women; any male characters in movies of this sort are usually cast as sexual objects, to be used casually and then easily discarded with little afterthought, or sometimes as men-in-distress to be rescued and then subsequently ravished by the dashing heroine. Of course, this merely reflects reality here: male action heroes simply do not make sense in my world—where even the strongest male is so much weaker than any female—while the only significant roles played by men in history deemed worthy of record was that of desired chattel as pretext for war, or of defiled chattel as impetus for vengeance.

Venus Needs Men

Last month, Blog Buddy Matty Boy at Lotsa Splainin' contacted me and Blog Buddy Undersquid with an idea for one of his regular Giant Women posts. He wanted to feature collages inspired by several verses in four of Elvis Costello's songs which allude to either giantesses or shrunken men. The verse I eventually worked with was from his song My Science Fiction Twin.

He's trapped in his own parallel dimension,
That's why I'm so forgiving,
But how can I possibly forget to mention those fifty foot women
Who put the fascination back into my science fiction twin?

You can see the final results of all four collages and verses at this post here. Featured are two collages by Undersquid, another by TheShrinkee, and one by yours truly, which is also posted below.

I'd never made a fifty-foot-woman style image before, nor any other size difference other than what fit within the confines of My Own Parallel Dimension. However, I was also loath to depart from the rest of my collages and do a one-off piece that I couldn't really post here as this blog is, really, only about my world. This led me to come up with the concept of a poster for a science-fiction movie or TV series from my world which features your classic 1950s-style giantesses, but updated for modern times. This is what I ended up with.

The Dream Factory

Hollywood exists in my world just like in yours, America's dream factory. In the Hollywood in my world, pretty young things from all over move, bright-eyed, to California, dreaming of becoming the next It Boy. They find work as janitors, pool boys, household servants; they bus and wait table at restaurants and bars; others work at clubs as nude waiters and dancers. And all the while, they run to casting calls and script readings, where they are easy prey for the power-players of Tinseltown. For a boy struggling to make it here, it's all about how good-looking you are, and who you sleep with, the casting agent, a producer, the director, or that female lead in the film you're auditioning for who gazes at you with a smirk and a little gleam in her eye. Maybe she'll put in a good word for you. Maybe she won't. But she never will if you don't play the game.

Those who make it can look forward to a few years in the spotlight, as ravished men in distress and objects of desire for women in summer action movies, or as the coveted lead and target of envy among men in romantic comedies.

But the tastes of Hollywood are fickle, and the attention of women shorter still, and there are always younger boys, eager to take your place on the casting couch or as arm-candy for the Hollywood elite. And for each boy that the Dream Factory eats up and spits out, there are thousands waiting to get in.